Modern Yoga v2.018 - Clothing Malfunctions
Once upon a time it was a simple matter of leggings/shorts and t-shirt. Now it can feel like Yoga is a call to the fashion conscious. No matter - who cares about making the odd fashion faux pas! Here’s a guide to avoiding the worst clothing malfunctions in Yoga…
Leggings or shorts
Seams in yoga clothes take a lot of stress – for some reason, the structural integrity of your leggings/shorts will always fail first at the place that is least visible to you and most visible to everyone else (in lying bound angle pose). You realise that you were displaying your underwear (nothing else please!) to the rest of the class, when you hang your clothes out to dry.
Guys – it’s a delicate balance here - but then when isn’t Yoga, or life for that matter, about finding a balance. Too tight and you leave nothing to the imagination, too loose and builder’s bum may be the unslightly result. If in doubt, do a few uttanasanas and mirror check from all angles before leaving the house.
These come in 2 categories – firstly, compression (aka heavy duty) bras which look like a crop top. As you take this type of bra off, lifting it over your boobs, it immediately constricts itself around your shoulders, leaving you stuck with your arms flailing around over your head. After 5 minutes of wriggling and hyperextending your shoulders to the point of dislocation, you finally wrestle it off. Don’t use when you are fitting a quick Yoga class into your lunchbreak.
Non-compression (aka soft and droopy) bras which are made of soft spun, organically grown bamboo shoots. What you didn’t realise when you bought this, is that the model had a very small chest and when you are wearing it, this minimal level of support allows your boobs to disappear alarmingly down towards your waist. Think about going back to the previous category and allowing extra time to get changed.
As ever, wearing a fashionable yoga item marks you out as a real pro, so you opt to buy one of the in-vogue Yoga bras that are all detailed spaghetti straps, criss-crossing over your back and front. You spend half an hour trying your arms and head through all possible strap combinations until you finally get them in the right places. And back to front.
Wear it. Enough said.
Except - avoid thongs. You might think that by wearing a thong you will avoid unslightly lines but you will regret this 5 minutes into the asana practice as you are now experiencing a 3rd degree wedgie and there’s only so many times it’s possible to do a full adjustment of your underwear in public. By half way through, you will have gone to the loo to remove the thong thing.
Just when you think nothing can possibly go wrong with a t-shirt, you go into a shoulderstand, headstand or handstand and your top falls down over your head. Now you feel claustrophobic, can’t breath and think you might go into a panic attack. Experienced Yogis know that before attempting these, you must tuck your T-shirt into your leggings/shorts/knickers which prominently displays the area of stomach that you were trying to hide in the first place.
They looked great in the picture when you bought them, channelling a chilled post-Ibiza holiday vibe. But you catch sight of yourself walking passed a mirror and all you can think about is how your two year old child used to look when they had a really wet nappy drooping down between their legs.